After meeting up with Teck at our Council CNY gathering and speaking with him over MSN, I started to have more thoughts about my own spiritual state. And I'm just going to let my thoughts flow out here....
I realised that while I still consider myself a Christian, I'm now a very confused individual. The Church and the cell group were supposed to be places of refuge, support and love. But from my old experience, it was greatly lacking. Lacking in true love and support, lacking in mentorship, lacking in leader's abilities to recognise that everyone is different and that a cookie cutter approach will not work for all.
Another key issue that I have is that my trust for that community has been broken. Its from issues long ago, but these things don't just go away, even if you think that pastors and cell leaders are humans just like you and me. That being the case, its only fair to say that I have the choice and responsibility to choose my own leaders, i.e. who is to lead me, and who I can learn from.
The past was difficult for me, I had done my best to get back into the cell, to re-experience the fellowship. But if I look back now, it looked like time was wasted, and I'm no nearer to my goal than when I started. So its also time to be moving on to other areas.....
Does this make my less of a Christian? I do realise that my Christian knowledge is slowly fading away. I no longer have bible verses at the back of my mind that I could sprout out in support of my thoughts. I used to think that the Bible was all-powerful support. But really, it was written by people like you and I, and is subject to errors. I used to think that the bible is error-free because of God's hand in it, but now, that belief is slowly changing.
How about what the pastor preach on the stage? Pastors are equally fallible, and I had long felt that some pastors preach to accomplish the agenda of the church, to get people to do certain things they are thinking of, rather than really administering the word of God to people. I can't really explain it in detail, but the feeling I get from it is strong.
Something its not anti-blibical, but its that the word is taken out of context. And many times, I had to re-explain to my parents what was meant by the pastor.
I'm tired... really tired... And I want to move on. Richard Bandler had this wonderful saying "The best thing about the past is that its over.". I shall move on....
No comments:
Post a Comment