Firstly, this sub-blog is only for Christians, or those who are close friends of mine. How you know if you are close, depend on yourself. :) I'm not going to judge you. If you considered yourself a close friend, and want to see a really honest side of myself (perhaps more honest then my main blog?? ) then read on.
Xun recently said that its was getting harder to be my friend. He quoted two incidents. One was when I mentioned disappointment with Weeli after he din turn up for climbing 2 consecutive weeks when though he said yes( Actually, to me that's way past history, and everything is leveled out now ) and the other incident was me mentioning mind over matter. Can't really remember, but I got pretty irritated by Kok of late, so I said mind over matter, I don't mind because he doesn't matter. I got Xun quite worried after I said that.
But really, I think these whole saga is really a manisfestation of something inside me. Not that I'm demonised or something, its just.... slow spiritual death I suppose. Haha... hope I'm not over dramatising it.
There had been many disappointing times in church, where I really felt that there are many Christians who are hypocritical. Its like, profess on thing, but really, when I see how they behave, alot of non-christians behave more like christians! Of coz, many times that means me too.... I'm not considered a good christian. :P If there's such a thing. I mean I could go more into theory and stuff, but that's really not the point.
I actually had a long talk with Weeli, who's a relatively new christian I think. But it really doesn't matter. Haha, I guess one reason what I gravitate towards him is because of his passion for God. He's totally honest that he can't hear God like what many christians say. ( many of which I suspect to be just themselves talking ), but he feels God's presence and assistance the most when he runs. And that's one reason why he likes running so much. Haha, partially its because he already loves running and pushing himself physically I believe.
Anyway, Weeli show's such passion for God that really reminds me of my own relationship with Him. He mentioned that as we should approach people whom we think are wrong, and confront them, and that changing church is not a solution. Focus should be on God, not the people. It took me a long time to figure that one out, and he just sprouts it off the top of his head?? Wwaa... but to give myself some credit... its more difficult to see things clearly when you are in it.
I miss my relationship with God, and at some point of time, I had lost the "If God is for me, who can be against me" attitude. I really had the full confidence in God, in everything that happened. Somewhere along the line, I had fallen aside. I miss the companionship in Christ, but find it so hard to get back to the cell group. for a multitude of reasons.
I know God exists, I know he's real, I just can't feel his presence much anymore, and am pretty much treading along alone.
And somewhere along the way, I'm becoming a rather self-centered, mean little jerk.
Little things irritate me, dumb and lame comments from some people irritate me, conversations with friendz, people who ask me to do things that's not inline what what I have planned irritates me.... So I'm basically a irritable person. Not exactly the best person to be around, so I suppose I'm in awhile doing some form of self-sabotage.
In moving away from God, I lean towards others for support, friends mainly, who are doomed to disappoint. At many times, I believed that my friends would form a main pillar of support. That my good friends would always be there for me, to support, and understand. But when you expect a closeness with friendz, that you had with God... I suppose I should have expected that I had doomed myself from the start.
Friends start to get busy, and start to disappoint, and I start to clam up, refusing to be hurt through the expectations I had somehow setup mentally. And it downward spiral spins all the way down to the dark abyss of disappointment and depression.
I'd started to withdraw in many ways, especially from those I had high expectations of, of those whom somehow I'd believed to be very close friends with. And some of them would feel it. Some would think that I had changed, some would think that something's up and spend some time with me, keep my mind off things.
Actually, if I really think about it, to withdraw is basically a mechanism to protect both myself and my friendships. At least if I think I don't negatively affect the relationship, then it stay status quo. Reality however, isn't usually like that. The longer you withdraw from a relationship, the more it will cease to exist. Until of course, someone finally comes in and makes the connection again.
Been going to church after a few weeks break, though it wasn't really intentional, it was somehow... based on the season, or the mood. And I'm starting to realise some basic truths again.
Well... bottom line, to avoid turning into a meanie... I need God. I need the relationship with him.
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