Refiner's Fire

Been hit by another wave of "I don't know what I'm doing things for" depression, if you can call that a depression. It's nothing compared to why people in Myanmar (affected by Cyclone Nergis) or people in China (who were just hit by earthquake) are going through.

But all the same, I can't shake that feeling. Many a times, I feel like I just can have close friends around me, that'll be fine, but sometimes things aren't working out and the feeling just looms overhead, looking for every opportunity to devour me.

Recently, I'd been feeling like I'm drifting from a very close friend. Don't know why I keep getting these feelings, but I suppose as time goes by and as we grow older, we all become more engrossed with other things. Its part of natural progression.

But one thing happened that also struck a chord in me. He had recently been going to church.... something I'd asked him before and he refused. Needless to say, it made me feel like.... well, not a good feeling..... Then he went on to say anyway I also not very religious or something along the lines.

Ouch.... I don't look to be religious, but despite everything, God remains a subject very close to my heart. I still remember the last time in NTU, where I was trying so hard to seek God's presence, yet felt so alone..... when I shed my tears for what seemed to be the last time I did it because of God.

Things have all turned down-hill from there I guess. I'm no longer the cheerful, optimistic, and happy-go-lucky person that people knew me to be. And if they do think I am, its an empty shell and a poor reflection of how I used to be.

I can't say I've always been happy, because I'd always been plagued by a poor relationship with my Brother whom for a period always threatened to beat me up. Those days have passed, but unfortunately, I no longer know how to patch or rebuild the relationship. Needless to say, I've had lonely times, and my friends, especially those I consider like my brothers, to be very important to me.

Don't know what I'm ranting about anymore. Hysterical, I am, sort of.

Now the topic on Refiner's Fire.... because I'd also been meaning to get back to the Bible. With the feeling that there's really nothing left for me, there's only the bible to turn to. Or perhaps this was all part of God's elaborate plan.

I don't know if all this is part of God's refining fire, to purify his people as silver and gold. I'd reckon that if the fire was his, it would be much more purposeful. Then again, Moses himself had his period of aimlessness.

But I do know that the fruits of the spirit had wilthered..... Peace, Joy, Love, Kindness, Goodness, Patience.... all these have become rare commodities for me. How I long for the flowers to bloom onces more, and for the tree to once again bear the fruits of the spirit.

Rants for records and in time to come, may the fruits be borne so I can look back at this and laugh. For when such a time comes, perhaps I would have grown, broken the shackles that tie me down so.

My Prayer:
"God, thank you for the close friends that you have brought around me. People like Weng, Sim, Daniel, Alvin, Xun, Nicholl amongst others have provided me support whilst I was down, whether they knew it or not. And Lord, I pray to bless these friends of mine.

Lord help me to see how you are refining me, and how my character can be built with your spirit. Let me focus on the desires of the Spirit so that I may bear the fruit of life. Revive my dead spirit so that I may know joy, and joy abundant. Amen."