The thing that still bugs me from time to time is whether the move was motivated by that conflict I had with my cell leader. And how things would be different if it hadn't. I guess that's just my Strategic Theme (from StrengthsFinder) going into overdrive.
There are many more photos I see posted on Facebook of the group. As I went through that, I recalled a discussion with friends on how Facebook actually promotes depression because it is a filtered and idealised version of other people's lives. And looking at the photos.... I thought about the truth of it....
The reality is, I saw the cell group as my spiritual family, as a place where I belonged, and I hoped that my cell members would feel the same way. It was something that I had always been working towards. Now that I'm out.... I guess it leaves me with a lot of room for thought.
And I realised that perhaps, I'd wanted to belong to a community.... a spiritual and loving community.
I recall the time when I was in Sri Lanka, being the only one from my cell group and thankfully having Xinzhan from the cluster who was there. There was a time where everyone was taking photo and I realised I really didn't have anyone to take photos with. So when my group leaders started gathering people, I joined in, not realising it was their cluster photo.... haha.. and embarrassed I was kinda of politely asked to leave the photo.
I spoke with Xinzhan during the trip, shared about what I felt, and I guess it helped build that relationships between us that we have today.
Cutting the long story short, soon after, I joined the ML cluster, and started facilitating and leading the group that was to become my cell group. And I left my Gkidz family whom I saw another spiritual family to lead the cell. It was a wonderful cell, with different but brilliant people, everyone single one of them. Sure, some of them were not very consistent, some had their own challenges and problems to face, and some needed more time. We all have our journeys, but each was a precious gem to me, all very dear.
Today, I feel some of that feelings I had at Sri Lanka again. Looking at some of the photos of the people, that I know I will no longer be part of.
And I suppose this answers one of the questions that keeps popping into my head - "Alex, what do you want?" I guess I want to belong to a spiritual family who loves and support me, whom I can also love and support.
As I wander along now, there's a side of me what wonders.... with all these changes, do all these things really matter? What impact can I or have I made? Should I continue to settle in and rebuild relationships only to be have it not last?
I remember Ps Jasmine from Gkidz spoke with me when I was talking with her about leaving the team. She reminded me that the people will not always be with me, and that people will leave etc. I didn't forget it, and I always thought that if people left because there's a better place for them, or if they become leaders, that's actually something to be happy about.
The difference though for me is that every change seemed somewhat major.
From JC to Army (BMT) - was one group of people, from BMT to SISPEC was a new group of people, and from SISPEC to BMT (Permstaff) was another group, and finally from BMT to Uni, was yet another group of people.
That's about 6 distinct groups of people in a short time.
I backslided in Uni, and finally joined Daniel's cell.... of which there were changes, and I join ZX. And finally joined the ML group which comprised of an entirely different group of people again.
To be honest with myself, I'm quite tired and weary..... but perhaps this is the path that God has destined for me, and there must be better things ahead for which He has planned.
This morning, this verse came to mind as I was walking to office:
1 Corinthians 13:11 (ESV)
11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
Perhaps there are some childish ways I need to give up.....
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